Uggh ... I am feeling quite trapped lately by certain aspects of my life ... a bit like an animal in a cage. I might start throwing my poo at the spectators soon if I can't get myself free. Heh. But as of yet I haven't found a way to free myself. I've been desperately searching for the key but I can't find it. I think I need to devote more time to this, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about it.
I second guess myself a lot for feeling this way. Especially when other people make comments like, "Well you should feel lucky just to <fill in the blank here (not getting specific)>." It's not that this comment isn't true, because it is true. The problems I have are first world problems, for sure. I'm not starving in a third world country or being violently oppressed in some other country that's ruled based on some shitty idiotic religion. So I second guess myself quite often ... because maybe I'm just acting like a spoiled brat for not being satisfied with certain aspects of my life.
But then on the other hand, I kind of want to tell the people who make these kinds of "you should just feel lucky to ..." comments to fuck off. Because what if everyone thought this way? What if everyone stopped themselves from wanting to try something different by saying, "Ehh, I should just feel lucky to be where I am and have what I have." If that was the case, then NO ONE in the goddamn world would ever do anything interesting. We'd all just toil away in some factory our whole lives and have 2.5 children and be really lame and boring. Who the hell wants that?
But yeah ... it still comes back to the fact that I don't know what I can do ... how I can free myself from this crappy cage. There is no obvious answer. But I gotta figure something out, and beyond figuring something out, I need to have the balls to actually try it if I can ever figure it out. Uggh. If I look at this post again in 6 months and nothing has changed, I'll know that I'm really failing miserably.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Inevitable Phone Call
I was just surfing around my usual celebrity gossip websites right now, and I came across a blog post that Russell Brand had done for Amy Winehouse (who just died over the weekend, most likely of a drug overdose). Apparently he knew her, but even more importantly, he used to be an alcoholic and/or drug addict himself before getting sober in his late 20's, so he has a lot of experience in the area of addiction.
I admit that Amy Winehouse is not someone I've ever paid much attention to outside of following her insane drug-addled escapades over the past few years on the celebrity gossip sites. Her death over the weekend was not the least bit surprising, but still quite sad nonetheless. It brings to mind all the people I've known closely, and also just known about (friends of friends, other celebs, etc.), who have followed this exact same downward spiral.
Anywho I stumbled across Russell's blog via a different article I was reading; here's the blog post: http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/ He isn't the best writer in the sense of proper grammar usage and punctuation, but he gets his point across pretty well nonetheless. The part of the blog post that really stuck out to me was the first part:
----------
Man, SO true. I can most definitely relate to this, as unfortunately MANY other people out there can as well. Probably a majority of the general population can relate to this to some extent, from one or more people they've been close to in their lives. For us - It was Teresa in 1997. Arden in 2006. Carole in 2007. Pat in 2009 (his may have been suicide, but it was certainly a direct result of his hopelessly debilitating and relentless drug addiction).
And sadly, I'm sure we'll experience a few more before our lives are through. I'm hard pressed to think of any so far that have involved the "happy" phone call and happy ending. Maybe a couple which were friends of friends, but it seems like our close family members and close friends with drug addictions have all ended in the worst possible way so far (with the inevitable call you always dread). You spend years trying to help the person ... staging interventions ... trying every tactic in the book ... but ultimately you are completely powerless in the entire situation. It's only the addict himself/herself who can control how it ends up.
And eventually, you WILL wind up on the other end of that phone call ... you better just hope that by some miracle it's the happy one and not the dreaded one.
I admit that Amy Winehouse is not someone I've ever paid much attention to outside of following her insane drug-addled escapades over the past few years on the celebrity gossip sites. Her death over the weekend was not the least bit surprising, but still quite sad nonetheless. It brings to mind all the people I've known closely, and also just known about (friends of friends, other celebs, etc.), who have followed this exact same downward spiral.
Anywho I stumbled across Russell's blog via a different article I was reading; here's the blog post: http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/ He isn't the best writer in the sense of proper grammar usage and punctuation, but he gets his point across pretty well nonetheless. The part of the blog post that really stuck out to me was the first part:
----------
"When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone."
----------Man, SO true. I can most definitely relate to this, as unfortunately MANY other people out there can as well. Probably a majority of the general population can relate to this to some extent, from one or more people they've been close to in their lives. For us - It was Teresa in 1997. Arden in 2006. Carole in 2007. Pat in 2009 (his may have been suicide, but it was certainly a direct result of his hopelessly debilitating and relentless drug addiction).
And sadly, I'm sure we'll experience a few more before our lives are through. I'm hard pressed to think of any so far that have involved the "happy" phone call and happy ending. Maybe a couple which were friends of friends, but it seems like our close family members and close friends with drug addictions have all ended in the worst possible way so far (with the inevitable call you always dread). You spend years trying to help the person ... staging interventions ... trying every tactic in the book ... but ultimately you are completely powerless in the entire situation. It's only the addict himself/herself who can control how it ends up.
And eventually, you WILL wind up on the other end of that phone call ... you better just hope that by some miracle it's the happy one and not the dreaded one.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stupid Girls
In my last post I bagged on Twilight a bit, and I hate to bag on it even more now, but there were a couple new things that popped up in the past week that have inspired me to do just that haha. Although I guess a better way of describing it is that I am feeling extra appreciation for certain other things in comparison. ;-) This popped up because I was re-watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 last weekend, and there is a scene in that movie where the main three characters are running as fast as they can through a forest (trying to get away from the bad guys). It reminded me of a scene in ... I think it's the second Twilight movie? New Moon ... I think it's that one ... where the main characters are also running through a forest (also in a fight with the "bad" vampires if I recall).
But more than remind me of New Moon, the Deathly Hallows scene just made me think about the ENORMOUS difference in quality between the two film series. Harry Potter is just in a completely different universe than Twilight when it comes to quality - not just in movie-making but in storytelling as well. I will admit that I haven't read the HP books, and I only started watching the movies because my cousin Katie forced me to go with her to see the first few back when they first came out (she was a huge fan of the books). I've always found the movies entertaining, but I think I'm gaining much more appreciation for them in these last two or three films. I think it's partly because the themes are a bit more "adult" as the characters get older ... so the movies go from being "cute" to actually being compelling on a more general level. I haven't seen HP7.5 yet but it's out now and I plan to see it next week. HP7.0 was great and it really got me wanting to see the next (and last) one. And maybe after this I'll finally get around to reading the books. ;-)
I also have to admit that I haven't read the Twilight books either, and those I don't plan to read because I've seen the movies and they are just ... lame. It goes back to my complaint in my last blog entry about Bella Swan being the weakest lead character I have ever seen. Now again, my not having read the books means that whatever I say here has to be taken with a few grains of salt. Katie has read the books and she did enjoy the first couple, so they can't be THAT terrible. A book allows you to get into the lead character's head and really feel their thoughts and motivations behind everything they do, which would probably allow me to find Bella Swan at least a little bit more relatable. Maybe ... I dunno. But I suspect that to some extent, the movies may be exposing the weaknesses in the overall story that are not so apparent when you read the books, because the movies to some extent have to strip the books down to their basics. Otherwise you'd wind up with like a 6 hour movie for each book. That's just my theory though.
Anyway the second thing that I saw which triggered me to post this entry was a quote by Stephen King that showed up in my Twitter feed today. At first I wasn't sure if the quote was real, but I googled it and from what I could tell ... it seems to be a real Stephen King quote. It goes like this:
"Harry Potter is about doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." -Stephen King
Dude. So true. I mean look, I love a good romance story as much as the next girl, but what turns me off about Twilight is that I think that's ALL the entire series is about. It's the center of the story. And to make matters worse, Bella is a character who spends her entire life just waiting for some guy to save her. She can't do anything for herself; she needs the guy to do all the brave/hard stuff. That's what drives me nuts.
Hahah I mean look at her in the above picture ... she's just like, "AAHH Oh Edward save me, I so scurrrred!! What do I do!? Fly me to your vampire paradise Eddie!! EEEEK!!" I can't respect this chick for that. And I think I tend to prefer books/tv shows/movies that are about something compelling, with the romance piece as a subplot that grows out of the circumstances that the characters are put in.
The funny thing is that if there's anything that the HP movies don't do well, it's the romance part haha ... there are romances in them, but the movies don't do a great job of making you care much about them. I think it's because they have so much story to fit into the movies from the books that it's hard to squeeze a ton of the romance stuff in there too. But the point is that I don't even mind that, for two reasons:
a) The theme/story is very compelling in its own right
b) I really like the characters. They're not perfect because humans are not perfect, but I can have respect for each of them for their good qualities (same way it is in real life). One thing I find is that I tend to be more interested in character development than the actual storyline sometimes in the entertainment I watch/read. ;-)
I dunno, these characters just seem to have SO much more depth to them ... or maybe the bottom line is that I've always been kind of a geek and these characters are also fairly geeky, so maybe I just identify with them more. ;-) I also love that so many of the supporting characters are so great too. I mean who the hell would have thought that I ever would've cared about Dobby?? He was a little bit on the Jar-Jar Binks level in Chamber of Secrets, but when he came back in Deathly Hallows pt. 1, I loved him. He even got me choked up, and the character is entirely CGI!!
Anywho, thanks Harry Potter, for providing quality entertainment for the masses. :) Can't wait to see Deathly Hallows pt. 2 as soon as I get a chance.
But more than remind me of New Moon, the Deathly Hallows scene just made me think about the ENORMOUS difference in quality between the two film series. Harry Potter is just in a completely different universe than Twilight when it comes to quality - not just in movie-making but in storytelling as well. I will admit that I haven't read the HP books, and I only started watching the movies because my cousin Katie forced me to go with her to see the first few back when they first came out (she was a huge fan of the books). I've always found the movies entertaining, but I think I'm gaining much more appreciation for them in these last two or three films. I think it's partly because the themes are a bit more "adult" as the characters get older ... so the movies go from being "cute" to actually being compelling on a more general level. I haven't seen HP7.5 yet but it's out now and I plan to see it next week. HP7.0 was great and it really got me wanting to see the next (and last) one. And maybe after this I'll finally get around to reading the books. ;-)
I also have to admit that I haven't read the Twilight books either, and those I don't plan to read because I've seen the movies and they are just ... lame. It goes back to my complaint in my last blog entry about Bella Swan being the weakest lead character I have ever seen. Now again, my not having read the books means that whatever I say here has to be taken with a few grains of salt. Katie has read the books and she did enjoy the first couple, so they can't be THAT terrible. A book allows you to get into the lead character's head and really feel their thoughts and motivations behind everything they do, which would probably allow me to find Bella Swan at least a little bit more relatable. Maybe ... I dunno. But I suspect that to some extent, the movies may be exposing the weaknesses in the overall story that are not so apparent when you read the books, because the movies to some extent have to strip the books down to their basics. Otherwise you'd wind up with like a 6 hour movie for each book. That's just my theory though.
Anyway the second thing that I saw which triggered me to post this entry was a quote by Stephen King that showed up in my Twitter feed today. At first I wasn't sure if the quote was real, but I googled it and from what I could tell ... it seems to be a real Stephen King quote. It goes like this:
"Harry Potter is about doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." -Stephen King
Dude. So true. I mean look, I love a good romance story as much as the next girl, but what turns me off about Twilight is that I think that's ALL the entire series is about. It's the center of the story. And to make matters worse, Bella is a character who spends her entire life just waiting for some guy to save her. She can't do anything for herself; she needs the guy to do all the brave/hard stuff. That's what drives me nuts.
Hahah I mean look at her in the above picture ... she's just like, "AAHH Oh Edward save me, I so scurrrred!! What do I do!? Fly me to your vampire paradise Eddie!! EEEEK!!" I can't respect this chick for that. And I think I tend to prefer books/tv shows/movies that are about something compelling, with the romance piece as a subplot that grows out of the circumstances that the characters are put in.
The funny thing is that if there's anything that the HP movies don't do well, it's the romance part haha ... there are romances in them, but the movies don't do a great job of making you care much about them. I think it's because they have so much story to fit into the movies from the books that it's hard to squeeze a ton of the romance stuff in there too. But the point is that I don't even mind that, for two reasons:
a) The theme/story is very compelling in its own right
b) I really like the characters. They're not perfect because humans are not perfect, but I can have respect for each of them for their good qualities (same way it is in real life). One thing I find is that I tend to be more interested in character development than the actual storyline sometimes in the entertainment I watch/read. ;-)
I dunno, these characters just seem to have SO much more depth to them ... or maybe the bottom line is that I've always been kind of a geek and these characters are also fairly geeky, so maybe I just identify with them more. ;-) I also love that so many of the supporting characters are so great too. I mean who the hell would have thought that I ever would've cared about Dobby?? He was a little bit on the Jar-Jar Binks level in Chamber of Secrets, but when he came back in Deathly Hallows pt. 1, I loved him. He even got me choked up, and the character is entirely CGI!!
Anywho, thanks Harry Potter, for providing quality entertainment for the masses. :) Can't wait to see Deathly Hallows pt. 2 as soon as I get a chance.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Fangirl
So, I tend to start a new obsession with something (a movie/book/tv show type of thing) every few years. I wasn't always this way and it doesn't happen to me often, but occasionally I will admit, it happens. It never happened to me till I was in my 20s either, but I honestly think that may just be because nothing popped up that was all that compelling to me until then haha. My childhood/teenage best friend used to constantly have at least 4 or 5 obsessions at a time, and since I didn't have any of my own, I would always simply wind up getting sucked into hers. I even wound up at a Star Trek convention once, because she was obsessed with Star Trek: TNG (and more specifically, the character of "Data", oddly enough). I thought it was kind of strange that she would get THAT obsessed over these things ... I could never imagine how it could happen. That is until it finally happened to me, which was not until many years after our friendship was over. Now that I'm in my 30s, I will have to admit that if I had kids, I would have MUCH less time or capacity to get obsessed with anything hahaha. But I don't have kids and I have a job that I find mostly mind-numbing (a bad combo of difficult/challenging, all-consuming, mentally taxing, and yet still mind-numbingly boring), so this is how I wind up in these situations.
Here are my previous obsessions:
1) 2001: I got obsessed with the t.v. show Alias. Sydney Bristow kicked all kinds of ass all over the world and got to do all this crazy fun stuff, and she became someone I lived vicariously through in my own little fantasy world haha. I started reading spoilers online, chatted with people on message boards, sometimes even on IM. That lasted about 2-ish years cause the show started to suck after that haha. But oddly enough, to this day I still have two "internet friends" from way back in my Alias obsession days.
2) 2009: Wow, was it really that long between obsessions? I think I had lesser obsessions in between, but the next big obsession I remember getting is the t.v. show Chuck. A very similar show to Alias, except the lead character is a nerdy guy instead. A comedy or actually a dramedy version of Alias. And like Alias, Chuck has awesome characters, who I can live vicariously through. Chuck is still on the air and I still love it, but its last season (season 5) is starting in the fall and the quality of the show has never quite been up to what it was in the season I first started watching it (season 2). So I still enjoy it but the "obsession" part of it has died down.
3) 2011: I think I now officially have a new obsession and I have to admit it's a LITTLE embarrassing - The Hunger Games book series, which is currently in the process of being made into a movie series (first movie due out in 2012). I'm kind of ashamed to admit it because it's technically a "young adult" series, much like Twilight (blech) and Harry Potter (fun movies but I haven't read the books). But all I can say is, I REALLY wish this book series had been around when I was a teeny bopper. I am certain I would have become completely obsessed then if it had existed. ;-) The books are certainly not perfect; they have their flaws and I had some frustrations with the final book in the series, but they were still damn good entertainment overall. And this is one of those "YA" book series that is getting adults all over the world obsessed with it, so I don't feel too bad that I got sucked in as well. ;-)
It's not hard for me to tell what it is that draws me to these obsessions. There are several elements at play, but the biggest one is that they always have a strong female protagonist (or prominent co-lead character in the case of Chuck) that I can live vicariously through while she gets to do many exciting things that us "normal" people don't get to do in real life. :) Someone who can basically get to have all the fun that the guy character normally gets to have in like 90% of all entertainment out there, lol. I may be exaggerating there with the 90% number, but I do find it pretty rare to find a strong female lead in most movies/t.v. shows/books. Especially the ones that have a theme where the main character gets to kick ass (action/spy/adventure/sci-fi type stuff).
The lead character in The Hunger Games is named Katniss (strange name) and to say that she has "fun" is extremely wrong because these books are about a future dystopian society where 24 teenagers are forced into an "arena" every year to fight to the death ... heheh. Soooo ... yeah ... "fun" is really NOT the correct word in this case. BUT, with Twilight being the reigning teeny-bopper book/movie series in the past few years, I just found this book series SO refreshing in that it had such a strong female lead character. Bella Swan is seriously the weakest lead character I've ever seen and it absolutely drives me up the wall. Thank goodness that characters like Katniss Everdeen exist out there for teenage girls to look up to instead. And I know the theme of the series is somewhat of a "copycat" of Battle Royale and The Running Man ... what book/t.v./movie these days isn't at least partially derivative of something that came before it? It certainly didn't stop me from getting sucked in to this one nonetheless hahah.
Anyway these three books are in the midst of being turned into a movie series, and I am extremely worried that the movie series will ruin the whole thing. Partially because, well, that's pretty much what ALWAYS happens when books are made into movies. But also because they are shooting for a PG-13 rating for a set of books that starts off quite dark and only gets MUCH darker from there. By the end of the third book I felt like I needed therapy ... how the hell can they make this PG-13 without stripping it down?? I don't think they can. So ... yeah I'm pretty sure the movies will ruin it.
On the bright side, I do think they made a really good casting choice on the actress who is playing Katniss though - Jennifer Lawrence, who was nominated for an Oscar for her portrayal of Ree Dolly in Winter's Bone last year. She was great in that role and Katniss is practically the exact same character in many ways, so that works well.
I think they also made a great choice with Woody Harrelson as Haymitch. There are two male love interests and I'm not super confident in the casting choices for those though. We'll see. The director is Gary Ross, who has not directed anything remotely like this before. His previous movies are Seabiscuit, Dave, Pleasantville, and ... Lassie?? Yikes. I mean I know the first three are good movies but they are NOTHING like this one. Please don't screw this up, movie people. I know you're going to.
Here are my previous obsessions:
1) 2001: I got obsessed with the t.v. show Alias. Sydney Bristow kicked all kinds of ass all over the world and got to do all this crazy fun stuff, and she became someone I lived vicariously through in my own little fantasy world haha. I started reading spoilers online, chatted with people on message boards, sometimes even on IM. That lasted about 2-ish years cause the show started to suck after that haha. But oddly enough, to this day I still have two "internet friends" from way back in my Alias obsession days.
2) 2009: Wow, was it really that long between obsessions? I think I had lesser obsessions in between, but the next big obsession I remember getting is the t.v. show Chuck. A very similar show to Alias, except the lead character is a nerdy guy instead. A comedy or actually a dramedy version of Alias. And like Alias, Chuck has awesome characters, who I can live vicariously through. Chuck is still on the air and I still love it, but its last season (season 5) is starting in the fall and the quality of the show has never quite been up to what it was in the season I first started watching it (season 2). So I still enjoy it but the "obsession" part of it has died down.
3) 2011: I think I now officially have a new obsession and I have to admit it's a LITTLE embarrassing - The Hunger Games book series, which is currently in the process of being made into a movie series (first movie due out in 2012). I'm kind of ashamed to admit it because it's technically a "young adult" series, much like Twilight (blech) and Harry Potter (fun movies but I haven't read the books). But all I can say is, I REALLY wish this book series had been around when I was a teeny bopper. I am certain I would have become completely obsessed then if it had existed. ;-) The books are certainly not perfect; they have their flaws and I had some frustrations with the final book in the series, but they were still damn good entertainment overall. And this is one of those "YA" book series that is getting adults all over the world obsessed with it, so I don't feel too bad that I got sucked in as well. ;-)
It's not hard for me to tell what it is that draws me to these obsessions. There are several elements at play, but the biggest one is that they always have a strong female protagonist (or prominent co-lead character in the case of Chuck) that I can live vicariously through while she gets to do many exciting things that us "normal" people don't get to do in real life. :) Someone who can basically get to have all the fun that the guy character normally gets to have in like 90% of all entertainment out there, lol. I may be exaggerating there with the 90% number, but I do find it pretty rare to find a strong female lead in most movies/t.v. shows/books. Especially the ones that have a theme where the main character gets to kick ass (action/spy/adventure/sci-fi type stuff).
The lead character in The Hunger Games is named Katniss (strange name) and to say that she has "fun" is extremely wrong because these books are about a future dystopian society where 24 teenagers are forced into an "arena" every year to fight to the death ... heheh. Soooo ... yeah ... "fun" is really NOT the correct word in this case. BUT, with Twilight being the reigning teeny-bopper book/movie series in the past few years, I just found this book series SO refreshing in that it had such a strong female lead character. Bella Swan is seriously the weakest lead character I've ever seen and it absolutely drives me up the wall. Thank goodness that characters like Katniss Everdeen exist out there for teenage girls to look up to instead. And I know the theme of the series is somewhat of a "copycat" of Battle Royale and The Running Man ... what book/t.v./movie these days isn't at least partially derivative of something that came before it? It certainly didn't stop me from getting sucked in to this one nonetheless hahah.
Anyway these three books are in the midst of being turned into a movie series, and I am extremely worried that the movie series will ruin the whole thing. Partially because, well, that's pretty much what ALWAYS happens when books are made into movies. But also because they are shooting for a PG-13 rating for a set of books that starts off quite dark and only gets MUCH darker from there. By the end of the third book I felt like I needed therapy ... how the hell can they make this PG-13 without stripping it down?? I don't think they can. So ... yeah I'm pretty sure the movies will ruin it.
On the bright side, I do think they made a really good casting choice on the actress who is playing Katniss though - Jennifer Lawrence, who was nominated for an Oscar for her portrayal of Ree Dolly in Winter's Bone last year. She was great in that role and Katniss is practically the exact same character in many ways, so that works well.
I think they also made a great choice with Woody Harrelson as Haymitch. There are two male love interests and I'm not super confident in the casting choices for those though. We'll see. The director is Gary Ross, who has not directed anything remotely like this before. His previous movies are Seabiscuit, Dave, Pleasantville, and ... Lassie?? Yikes. I mean I know the first three are good movies but they are NOTHING like this one. Please don't screw this up, movie people. I know you're going to.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Dread
These days when Sunday rolls around and I start thinking about the coming work week, my mind fills with an overwhelming sense of dread and bitterness. Something tells me that is not a good thing.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Disappointment, and Why I Might Be an Asshole
A little over a month ago I wrote most of a long-ass post and then never finished it. But I'm gonna scrap that one, for various reasons ... I think I was just trying to put too much detail in there. I did want to update this blog though, because the whole of it thus far is two posts about one particular horrifying subject that leave me and the story in a place (about 3 1/2 months ago) that is a very different place than I'm in now. Plus I don't want the subject of this entire blog to be about that, because ... well ... fuck that. One person's bad decision doesn't rule the rest of our damn lives. And I had a couple other topics I wanted to blab about, but felt this one wasn't quite finished off. So I'll post one more on that subject just to give an update and close it out, and then move onto other stuff. Not saying that I'll never post about it again because it's still something I and many others will have to deal with throughout the rest of our lives, but for now I'm moving on.
So, a few days after my last entry, the memorial service was held. Here is the recap of that:
- It was huge; she had tons and tons of friends from her church and from around town. I'm pretty sure it's the biggest memorial service I've ever been to.
- It was a very nice service of course (makes me feel like I'm talking about the old lady down the street or something), but mentally torturous for me. Because I was still in denial and it forced me to start believing that shit was real. And my mind had to be dragged there kicking and screaming.
- There was a pic/music montage video which was very nice but also torturous for me to watch. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for the typical "bittersweet" feeling you get from watching those videos, in this case. It's not the same situation as when several of my grandparents died of natural causes a couple years ago. In those situations you're reflecting back on a long happy life. In this case it's a life cut short under bad circumstances, so looking at these pictures only feels like salt in the wound to me right now because the situation still feels so wrong.
- Tons of people got up and spoke with very nice stories of her. Hearing stories that you never knew of a person is always interesting, fun and even helps you understand the person better. In a sense it made me wish that, at least for that day, I could have been one of those people who knew her in the capacity that doesn't involve all the relationship complexities that exist when you're tied by blood to someone for your entire 34 years of life. I dunno if that's a weird statement but it's not something that is easy to explain without writing an entire essay on that subject alone.
- After the service was over, we went back to the house we were staying in (a vacation rental loaned by some very generous members of Amy's church) and attempted to numb ourselves with alcohol and fatty foods.
So that was that and I think that's the last family gathering or Amy-related gathering that happened.
So ... let's jump ahead to a few weeks after the memorial now. Well first I should preface this by saying that up through the memorial weekend, I had had this really heavy pit in my stomach that would never totally leave, and it would flare up every time my mind would turn to Amy. It was a pit of devastation, shock, sadness, anger, and denial. Then a couple/few weeks after the memorial service, one day, I realized it was gone. Or at least mostly gone, or much lighter than it had been. Why is that? I'm not entirely sure, but my theory is that I can attribute it to a few things: new pieces of info and clues that we slowly gather in the aftermath of these things, the passing of time, getting wrapped up in work crap that turns my attention back to daily life again, slowly accepting that the whole thing really happened, etc. etc. But for whatever reason, all these reasons, and maybe others I don't know about, the pit had been mostly lifted away. I certainly never had any kind of mental or emotional epiphany that I can trace it back to, that's for sure.
But, I then had to think ... well if the big pit is mostly gone, what's left now? There's gotta be something. I pretty quickly realized there was mostly just one major thing left. And that was - a very broad and general sense of disappointment. I mean the type you get when you examine a situation from the 50,000 foot level, and over the span of decades and generations. When you compare where something started off a very long time ago with where it is now. What happened to the Meredith family? It's ironic, because it was this family in particular that always made me feel the MOST safe and secure when I was a kid. I always felt like I could count on them as much as I could count on the ground under my feet. Where did that go? The Meredith Family of 1976, 1980, '85, '90 ... long long gone. I don't know if the family changed or if it's all just my perception as I've become an adult and started to see things for what they truly are ... but I believe it's a bit of both. I think even the folks who were adults when I was a kid (and therefore have much broader perspective than I) are quite shocked that we've ended up where we are now.
There is a family pic that we had professionally done in 1992 with my grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, and looking at that pic today is a pretty fucked up experience. I counted and figured out that 42% of the people in the pic are gone now ... most of them dead, just two of them still alive but no longer part of the family due to divorce. 42%. That is getting dangerously close to half.
How the hell did we end up here? There is no obvious explanation. By all accounts, Nancy and Bob certainly raised their kids well, as a very normal all-American family. There was no abuse of any kind, no neglect. No drug use, no alcoholism, no divorce, nothing like that. So then what is it? Is it a curse? Is it bad luck? Or is it something worse ... self destruction? If there is any "Meredith Family Legacy" ... is that what it is? Self destruction? I mean, we didn't ALL go down this road, Michael certainly didn't. What happened to him was just pure shit luck. But to be fair, he married into this family rather than being a product of it.
If we had a family motto, what would it be? Would it be, "I can't take it anymore, tap out"?? Is it, "Life is too much to handle" ? I don't know, but I'm almost starting to feel like that's what it would be. I may or may not be an asshole for thinking along these lines. Someone who is an expert on Bipolar Disorder ... if they read this, probably thinks I'm an asshole. I just know that this is where my asshole brain has taken me, and I'm writing it down, for probably no one to read (hopefully). I've got my own mental problems anyway, like the ones that make me start thinking I've cursed myself for even making these statements.
I mean I do sit and look at the other side of this and say, "What would be the situations that would bring me to suicide, if any?" I can think of precisely one type of situation: I get some sort of terminal/debilitating illness or I get paralyzed from the neck down or something, i.e. any situation that would cause me to just be a burden on my family and also live a really shitty quality of life. That's when I'd consider it. Too bad Jack Kevorkian died a couple weeks ago. But yeah that's pretty much all I can think of. And then I think, well it's entirely possible that Amy saw her situation exactly like this. Even though to the outside world she seemed relatively fine, without any physical ailments or anything of that sort. But it's likely that she saw her mental ailment to be dire enough to put her in that situation.
So one could argue that the "self destruction" theme is not entirely right, or maybe it's just not properly descriptive enough. But then regardless ... it still doesn't change my feeling of disappointment at the overall family situation, does it? It's still completely screwed no matter which way you slice it. But I mean ... yeah. Fuck it, what can I do? Just keep on moving.
And don't look back. Heh, yeah right. Easier said than done.
Oh btw I happened to watch this video shortly after I posted this blog post and the song seemed strangely appropriate to the Amy situation in more ways than one, so I'm adding it here.
So, a few days after my last entry, the memorial service was held. Here is the recap of that:
- It was huge; she had tons and tons of friends from her church and from around town. I'm pretty sure it's the biggest memorial service I've ever been to.
- It was a very nice service of course (makes me feel like I'm talking about the old lady down the street or something), but mentally torturous for me. Because I was still in denial and it forced me to start believing that shit was real. And my mind had to be dragged there kicking and screaming.
- There was a pic/music montage video which was very nice but also torturous for me to watch. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for the typical "bittersweet" feeling you get from watching those videos, in this case. It's not the same situation as when several of my grandparents died of natural causes a couple years ago. In those situations you're reflecting back on a long happy life. In this case it's a life cut short under bad circumstances, so looking at these pictures only feels like salt in the wound to me right now because the situation still feels so wrong.
- Tons of people got up and spoke with very nice stories of her. Hearing stories that you never knew of a person is always interesting, fun and even helps you understand the person better. In a sense it made me wish that, at least for that day, I could have been one of those people who knew her in the capacity that doesn't involve all the relationship complexities that exist when you're tied by blood to someone for your entire 34 years of life. I dunno if that's a weird statement but it's not something that is easy to explain without writing an entire essay on that subject alone.
- After the service was over, we went back to the house we were staying in (a vacation rental loaned by some very generous members of Amy's church) and attempted to numb ourselves with alcohol and fatty foods.
So that was that and I think that's the last family gathering or Amy-related gathering that happened.
So ... let's jump ahead to a few weeks after the memorial now. Well first I should preface this by saying that up through the memorial weekend, I had had this really heavy pit in my stomach that would never totally leave, and it would flare up every time my mind would turn to Amy. It was a pit of devastation, shock, sadness, anger, and denial. Then a couple/few weeks after the memorial service, one day, I realized it was gone. Or at least mostly gone, or much lighter than it had been. Why is that? I'm not entirely sure, but my theory is that I can attribute it to a few things: new pieces of info and clues that we slowly gather in the aftermath of these things, the passing of time, getting wrapped up in work crap that turns my attention back to daily life again, slowly accepting that the whole thing really happened, etc. etc. But for whatever reason, all these reasons, and maybe others I don't know about, the pit had been mostly lifted away. I certainly never had any kind of mental or emotional epiphany that I can trace it back to, that's for sure.
But, I then had to think ... well if the big pit is mostly gone, what's left now? There's gotta be something. I pretty quickly realized there was mostly just one major thing left. And that was - a very broad and general sense of disappointment. I mean the type you get when you examine a situation from the 50,000 foot level, and over the span of decades and generations. When you compare where something started off a very long time ago with where it is now. What happened to the Meredith family? It's ironic, because it was this family in particular that always made me feel the MOST safe and secure when I was a kid. I always felt like I could count on them as much as I could count on the ground under my feet. Where did that go? The Meredith Family of 1976, 1980, '85, '90 ... long long gone. I don't know if the family changed or if it's all just my perception as I've become an adult and started to see things for what they truly are ... but I believe it's a bit of both. I think even the folks who were adults when I was a kid (and therefore have much broader perspective than I) are quite shocked that we've ended up where we are now.
There is a family pic that we had professionally done in 1992 with my grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, and looking at that pic today is a pretty fucked up experience. I counted and figured out that 42% of the people in the pic are gone now ... most of them dead, just two of them still alive but no longer part of the family due to divorce. 42%. That is getting dangerously close to half.
How the hell did we end up here? There is no obvious explanation. By all accounts, Nancy and Bob certainly raised their kids well, as a very normal all-American family. There was no abuse of any kind, no neglect. No drug use, no alcoholism, no divorce, nothing like that. So then what is it? Is it a curse? Is it bad luck? Or is it something worse ... self destruction? If there is any "Meredith Family Legacy" ... is that what it is? Self destruction? I mean, we didn't ALL go down this road, Michael certainly didn't. What happened to him was just pure shit luck. But to be fair, he married into this family rather than being a product of it.
If we had a family motto, what would it be? Would it be, "I can't take it anymore, tap out"?? Is it, "Life is too much to handle" ? I don't know, but I'm almost starting to feel like that's what it would be. I may or may not be an asshole for thinking along these lines. Someone who is an expert on Bipolar Disorder ... if they read this, probably thinks I'm an asshole. I just know that this is where my asshole brain has taken me, and I'm writing it down, for probably no one to read (hopefully). I've got my own mental problems anyway, like the ones that make me start thinking I've cursed myself for even making these statements.
I mean I do sit and look at the other side of this and say, "What would be the situations that would bring me to suicide, if any?" I can think of precisely one type of situation: I get some sort of terminal/debilitating illness or I get paralyzed from the neck down or something, i.e. any situation that would cause me to just be a burden on my family and also live a really shitty quality of life. That's when I'd consider it. Too bad Jack Kevorkian died a couple weeks ago. But yeah that's pretty much all I can think of. And then I think, well it's entirely possible that Amy saw her situation exactly like this. Even though to the outside world she seemed relatively fine, without any physical ailments or anything of that sort. But it's likely that she saw her mental ailment to be dire enough to put her in that situation.
So one could argue that the "self destruction" theme is not entirely right, or maybe it's just not properly descriptive enough. But then regardless ... it still doesn't change my feeling of disappointment at the overall family situation, does it? It's still completely screwed no matter which way you slice it. But I mean ... yeah. Fuck it, what can I do? Just keep on moving.
And don't look back. Heh, yeah right. Easier said than done.
Oh btw I happened to watch this video shortly after I posted this blog post and the song seemed strangely appropriate to the Amy situation in more ways than one, so I'm adding it here.
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