Just a preface to this post - It was actually written on February 23rd, but I got too busy with all the wedding stuff to finish it. So I went back and edited and posted it just now. But the real date should be:
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
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Divorce vs. Death: What's worse? Ridiculous comparison to even try to make? Probably, but just go with me on this for a minute, I have a point. Each of those scenarios has its uniquely terrible aspects. When your spouse or close family member dies tragically, you never get to see or talk to them again. Depending on the situation, you may not have even had a chance to tell them goodbye or have any prior warning at all that this was going to happen (if it's something such as a car accident instead of something like a terminal illness). They are just suddenly ripped away from you forever and ever. On the other hand, with divorce, you've got the element of maybe some bad feelings involved between you, being forced to see the other person traipsing around town rubbing their "I'm so happy now" shit in your face, you've got the element of choice of the parties involved, one party may end up feeling "dumped" depending on the situation, etc. etc.
I'll get back to this comparison in a minute and eventually tell you my point, but first let me just explain how I even started thinking about this. One night last week after work, I was doing some surfing around on my usual gossip blogs, and on one blog, they had a youtube video of that singer Adele's performance on the Brit Awards. I have heard of this chick several times before but never paid attention or heard any of her music. So because they were raving about her, I clicked on the video out of curiosity, to see what she's all about. The song is a post break-up song which discusses some of the divorce/break-up aspects I mentioned earlier.
Earlier on the same day that I was clicking "play" on the video, someone created the following memorial page for my aunt Amy on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Amy-Meredith-SmithMemorial/179770075398873. My other aunt linked me and the rest of my fam to it right after it was created, but I couldn't look much at it at work cause it was making me too sad. So I decided to wait until I got home to take a closer look. I just so happened to end up clicking on the memorial page while the Adele song was playing on another tab of my browser, and I was only kind of half paying attention to the song. Here's the song, check it out:
So, the song is playing on my browser on the other tab, and meanwhile I'm looking at all the pictures and posts on Amy's memorial page at the same time ...and it's odd, because I suddenly realize, "WHY the hell does this song seem to be so well-suited as some sort of soundtrack for me viewing Amy's memorial page??" That doesn't make sense, because the song is very specific in its lyrics that it's about a woman being upset that her ex boyfriend is now happy with his new girlfriend/wife, and meanwhile, the singer feels that she isn't over the relationship or the breakup. That's clearly not the situation with Amy at all. But if you take the theme of the song at a more general level, along with some of the lyrics: "I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over," ... "Nevermind I'll find someone like you," ... "I wish nothing but the best for you," ... "only yesterday was the time of our lives," "sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead", etc., then the overall theme kind of starts to apply.
So that's when the thought suddenly formed in my head: Suicide of a loved one is somewhat like experiencing a tragic death AND a divorce or break-up at the same time. Sure, you don't have the aspect of seeing the person traipsing around town being happy with someone else, so there's that. But you still have the aspect of choice. Now, I know NOTHING about suicide, as this is the first suicide of this closeness and magnitude that I've ever experienced. But it seems like the family must always feel like not only have they tragically lost their spouse/parent/sibling/daughter/son/aunt/uncle/best friend/what have you, but don't they kinda feel "dumped" as well? Like, how could you choose death over US, the people who loved you?? Were we not "good enough"? What did we do or say to lead you to this choice?? I'm definitely sure that a psychologist would say, that's NOT how the thought process goes of the person committing suicide; you can't think of it that way at all. They probably just get so lost and caught up in their own head and their own pain that they just can't even take anyone else into account at all. I know I've seen that advice on t.v. before ... Oprah, Dr. Phil, what have you. And I know it's true, and it also most definitely helps greatly to have this understanding, but I don't think it totally makes that gut reaction of the close family and friends completely go away; you can't stop or change a gut reaction, that's just the nature of it.
Also with Amy as it probably is with most suicides, mental illness was involved. That means rational thought was not happening when her choice was made. It's NOT as if it's a situation where she was doing totally fine with complete mental health, and then something bad happened like the loss of a job or major marital troubles or something, and she just suddenly decided that she couldn't deal. So the family and friends can't logically say, "she dumped us," because we can be pretty sure that that is not what her thought process was like. BUT, it's still a decision that's hard for most people to comprehend using logic and rational thought, so I think the gut reaction still goes there. And point being, it just makes me feel even that much more for Jim/Scott/Sam to think of this as a tragic death and a divorce double-whammy at the same time. Hopefully hopefully hopefully their first-hand knowledge of the bipolar illness and its symptoms helps their understanding of it though, so they may be able to avoid that gut reaction somewhat.
But regardless of all the cold hard logic that you find out from the leading experts on these matters, sometimes you just have these experiences where you have a moment caused by a conversation or a song or a movie or whatever, and it takes your brain to a certain place. This is where that song took my brain in that moment:
Amy made a decision, that, while we can't exactly call it "quick" or rash because we know she planned it at least a couple days in advance and had definitely contemplated it in the past, we can certainly say that the end result was a quick end to her pain. Albeit, pain that, as she has described, had lasted her whole life up until that point. But the end was quick and it's all over now. She decided she wanted something and now she has it.
But for the rest of us, it isn't over. It'll never be over for the rest of our lives. She moved on and wiped her hands clean of it all. We can't do that, the figurative blood spatter is all over us now, and it is a stain that can't simply be wiped clean. We never will be able to fully scrub it away. Yes of course, everyone's lives will continue, it's not as if we are stopping in place and eventually turning into petrified wood or something. Sam and Scott will graduate college and high school and date people and eventually get married and probably have kids. I know Jim feels like he's in a complete tailspin right now, but I still have confidence that he will persevere and eventually find happiness again, in whatever way makes sense for him. Everyone else's lives will continue to progress as well. We all keep moving. But mentally, the Amy situation will never just be "over" for us. How could it be?? Her life ended mid-sentence. Even her damn suicide note draft basically ended mid-sentence ... painfully incomplete. It's a cliffhanger that will never be continued or properly concluded. Scott and Sam aren't going to just get a new mom to share their future life journeys with. That's not the way it works. This vast space of absence will be felt for the rest of our lives, along with the wondering - How much of this aftermath did she contemplate beforehand? How much did she visualize what the repercussions would be like for Scott/Sam/Jim, to live the rest of their lives with this void and all the complications and awful pain that it brings? I mean, she couldn't have fully played that out in her head then then still made this decision ... right? Clearly the bipolar disorder must have simply been blocking these thoughts out? It had to have ... yeah? We'll just wonder and wonder.
Could she ever somehow "see our faces and be reminded that for us, it isn't over," as the song says? Well, that doesn't work for suicide the same way it does for a break-up. I guess suicide is like a break-up of the most extreme, cruel and permanent kind.
